The title of this post is a question I’ve asked myself a lot lately. I mean, obviously, I’m 45 years old, but my mental image of myself stopped growing older around 22 (coincidentally, my mental image of myself is also a lot skinnier). I think of myself as a “kid” in most conversations, unless the people i’m talking to are obviously younger than me. Then I seem to adopt some kind of “elder statesman” role.

But I never really feel like an adult. It’s a sensation I’ve been anticipating for decades now, and it never shows up. I’m not even sure what that would be. Would it mean that I suddenly take an interest in golf and lawn care? Fuck if I know.

There was a moment when I was reading STILL LIFE and the characters were having a dinner party and I felt like maybe I was missing out on something. I haven’t been to a dinner party in… decades, maybe? The idea of getting together with a group of folks with no ulterior purpose is almost alien to me. Before COVID, I used to get together with groups, but it was always to do things like watch bad movies or play board games or RPGs. Never to just eat and talk like that?

It felt very “adult” and it made me wonder if my interests, like all the games and such, are holding me back from achieving some kind of maturity. I love conversation with people, and I miss it. I sometimes get to have fun conversations at other things, but rarely just conversation. There’s always something else in the mix.

Sarah and I used to talk about hosting dinner parties, but then we had the boy and it’s hard to host a dinner party in a tiny house where an eight year old is playing Minecraft 2 feet away from the table and loudly narrating the whole thing as if he’s a Youtuber.

It’s got me thinking if maybe I need to “mature” out of some of my childlike interests, like miniatures and video games and find more “adult” friends. Serious people. Why? Maybe I’m missing out on some aspect of life that is really important.

But most of the serious people I’ve met seemed pretty miserable, so I’m really not sure about all that. Something I will continue to ponder.